George Takes Up Golf(Apologies to ET)
My wife said to me, "George, it's about time you learned to play
golf. You know, that's the game where you chase a ball all over the
county when you're too old to chase women."
So I went to see Jones and asked him if he could teach me how to
play. He said, "Sure, you've got balls haven't you?"
I said, "Yes, but sometimes on cold mornings they're kinda' hard to
"Bring them to the club house tomorrow," he said, "and we'll tee
"What's 'tee off"?" I asked.
He said, "It's a golf term, and we have to 'tee off' in front of
the club house."
"Not for me, you can 'tee off' there if you want to, but I'll 'tee
off' behind the barn somewhere."
"No no," he said, "a tee is a little thing about the size of your
I said, "Yes, I've got one of those".
"Well," he said, "you stick it in the ground and stick your ball on
top of it".
I asked, "Do you play golf sitting down? I always thought you
stood up and walked around."
"You do!" he said. "You're standing up when you put your ball on
the tee". Well folks, I thought that was stretching things a little
bit too far, and I said so.
He said, "You've got a bag haven't you?"
"Sure!" I said.
He asked, "Can't you open the bag and take one out?"
I said, "I suppose I could, but damned if I was going to!" He
asked if I didn't have a zipper on my bag, but I told him, "No, I had
the old fashioned type". Then he asked me if I knew how to hold my
club. Well, I told him that after fifty years I should have *some*
sort of an idea!
He said, "You take your club in both hands". (Folks, I knew right
then and there that he didn't know what he was talking about.) Then
he said, "You swing it over your shoulder!"
"No no, that's not me," I said, "that's my brother you're talking
He asked me, "How do you hold your club?"
I said, "In two fingers." He said that wasn't right and got behind
me, and told me to bend over and he would show me how. He couldn't
catch me there because I didn't put four years in the Navy for
He said, "You hit the ball with your club, and it will soar and
soar". I said I could well imagine! Then he said, "And when you're
on the green..."
"What's a green?" I asked.
"That's where the hole is," he said.
"Sure you're not color blind?" I asked.
"No!" he said. "Then you take your putter..."
"What's a putter?" I asked. He said that was the smallest club
"Well then," I said, "that's what I've got, a putter!"
"...and with it," he said, "you put your ball in the hole".
"You mean the putter." I corrected.
He said, "The ball! The hole isn't big enough for the putter.
Then after you make the first hole you go on to the next seventeen."
He wasn't talking to me. After two holes I'm shot to hell.
"You mean", he said, "you can't make eighteen holes in one day?"
"Hell no," I says, "it takes me eighteen days to make *one* hole!
Besides, how do I know when I'm at the eighteenth hole?" He said,
"The flag will say so."
That would be just my luck, so I said to HELL with golf.